How to Support a Grieving Friend During a Pandemic
Grief is a part of life’s cycle, but it feels heavier in the context of COVID-19, and many of our “normal” coping mechanisms have been derailed by social distancing and quarantine protocols.
Many of us have experienced or heard personal stories about the passing of a loved one during COVID-19. We are used to being physically present with loved ones as they pass and gather with friends and family to memorialize and celebrate their life. Many of us are not able to be present as our loved one is dying and we are not able to gather in groups of people to talk about and remember them.
Family and friends are not able to visit us in our homes to see how we’re doing. They are not able to bring food as they would normally do. They are not able to hug us or hold our hand. It is such a difficult moment. We are grieving and our normal ways of expressing our grief or our condolences are sometimes not an option.
So besides some of the obvious (phone calls, Zoom sessions, FaceTiming) what else can we do to support each other while we are in the middle of this new normal?
Sympathy Cards
A handwritten note of condolence
Sending a card might not be as common as it used to be and might be a little foreign to millennials and even some Gen-Xers, but sending a card will never go out of style. E-cards are great, e-mail is nice, and social media has its place, but there is something special about a handwritten note that you can touch and feel. Sending a physical card requires more thought and time and can make the sentiment that much more meaningful.
For someone who is grieving, cards are extra special. Including a specific memory about the loved one who has passed means a lot to people. Include a copy of a photo of the person or a small token that means something to your friend. If you didn’t know the person who passed personally, you can write something about the legacy and love they left. Some tragedies are too great for words and naming that is just fine too.
Since many of us are stuck at home, it seems like a good time to resurrect the art of the handwritten card. Cards are great for any occasion or just to say thinking of you.
Journaling
Journaling for Grief and Memory Books
We are alone a lot right now. Even if we are at home with kids and it’s raucous and noisy, our social circles have shrunk dramatically. Many of us have ways that we are connecting to others regularly, but it’s not the same. We have more time for reflection than we normally do.
Journaling and creating a Memory Book can be its own ritual. Rituals are meant to provide a means for moving from one thing to another. A marker of sorts that helps us along in our life journey. They can be a ritual that we experience once or something that we do daily. But rituals - sometimes even ones that seem hokey - can have a surprising amount of depth and meaning. The act of doing something, something structured and planned, can transform us.
Mementos for a Memory Book
A grief journal may be an excellent outlet for your friend in their grieving process. Contact your local bookstore to see if they have any journals with prompts in them - this may be perfect for someone who doesn’t write a lot, but may feel inspired by the prompts to process their feelings and reactions along the way. When you talk to your friend on the phone ask if they’ve had a chance to journal about their loved one - this is a great prompt, too!
For inspiration, offer to provide your friend with a book or album that can be used to create a Book of Memories of their loved one. A place to hold pictures and space to write about shared adventures together, and reflections from that time together.
A grieving friend can continue a ritual of sorting through photographs, letters, and other mementos as long as they like. Can you imagine what a treasure they will have when finished? It would become a treasured family heirloom.
Memory Stones
Prayer stones and memory stones for remembrance
We create gravestones or memorial plaques for a reason. To be a marker, to remember those that have gone before. There is something comforting in the physical reminder of a loved one.
Gifting your friend with a pile of memory or prayer stones provides another outlet for their grief. You can do this in several different ways. You can fill a jar with small stones found in a location significant to your friend’s loss, or you can purchase already-made stones.
Write a note about how you hope the stones help with holding onto their most precious memories. For example, a note may say
“I know how much you miss Jim. I hope you enjoy these beautiful memory stones and find joy in placing them around the garden you both loved so much.”
Your friend may wish to create the pile all at once or they may make adding a stone a daily ritual. The pile will become a “holy” place of sorts. A place of remembrance for their loved one. And every time they see it, it will be a physical reminder of all of the memories they have of their loved one or all of the blessings or prayers that you offered up on their behalf.
Plant a Memorial Tree
Of course we believe that planting a memorial tree is an excellent way to commemorate a loved one. It’s one of the reasons we do what we do at Little Saps. We experience first-hand how much a memorial tree means to families in the wake of loss. We have customers who shared stories about sitting near the tree they planted in memory of their loved one and talking to the person who has passed.
Gifting a sympathy tree to a grieving friend is a meaningful way to express your condolences while offering a lasting way for your friend to honor and cherish their loved one.
For so many reasons, planting a memorial tree is a meaningful and fulfilling way to process grief. It feels good to do something physical and to plant something in the ground that will last well into the future. It also feels like you’re doing something good for the planet, and helpful to honor a loved one. It provides an opportunity for your friend to go through the motions of planting a memorial tree which can be its own catharsis. The memorial tree itself becomes a symbol of love and hope, and a physical place to reconnect to the person they’re missing.
If you live at a great distance, you may want to consider planting a memorial tree in honor of your friend’s loved one. This may be even more significant when we’re all able to come together again easily and without the worry this pandemic has brought to so many of us.
You can plant a memorial tree for anyone - a parent, a child, a friend, a colleague, someone you don’t even know personally, but whose passing has touched you. And it’s something you can do by yourself or with a small group of people. Visit our online store to view our memorial trees.
There are many other good and helpful ways to support a friend who is grieving. Whatever you choose, I encourage you to do something physical and remember grief is not linear and does not follow a timetable. A physical gesture of support can have a tremendous healing effect, freeing us mentally in ways that often surprise us, especially now when our options are limited for more traditional support.
Lots of love,
Carrie